24 Hours.  That is all I have.  One 24 hour block to take the next right action.  To do the next right thing.

27 years + one day ago, I was deeply lost in my demons and my 24 hour day was consumed with feeding those demons.  I would do whatever it took to keep the insanity going.  Insanity being defined as doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

27 years ago some would say I hit a bottom two weeks after I turned 21 years old.  Hard.

I believe I was hit by grace.  The grace of God or some higher power that opened a very small crack for me to walk through.  That gave me the willingness to walk through.  That gave me the honesty and courage to ask for help.  My Mom, who was on the other end of that request for help, gave me my life for the second time.

By no means have I been perfect from that day forward and have easily made more mistakes in the last 27 years than I did in my first 21.

But I have been given the gift of a daily reprieve to make the only choice that makes all hope possible.

I am not sure why I was given that gift but I try to make sure that I give it away on a daily basis.

If I wrote down what I wanted or expected 27 years ago, I would have sold myself way short.  Who could have known about all the amazing gifts that awaited?  A beautiful, loving wife who is my best friend.  Two amazing sons who I cherish.  Family and friends.  A new found serenity and peace.

I am living a life beyond my wildest dreams.

And for that, I am eternally grateful.

 

When I was an executive in the corporate world I was frequently accused of saying “thank you” too much.  Especially as I rose up the ranks and led divisions of companies.  One CFO continued to tell me to stop saying thank you. People are just doing their jobs for what they are paid for.

I did and continue to find that odd.  How can you say thank you too much?

I understand saying “I am sorry” too much.  I was a professional at that for many years.  The problem was that I would be on a great string of self-centered acts, only concerned about what I want.  When those actions came to a head, I would say I am sorry and really lay it on thick that I would never “do it again”.  There lies the issue.  There was never any change in behavior.  No “amending” my behavior when I was making my amends.  It was all words and fluff and frankly just BS.  All I wanted was for that person who I had harmed to get out of my way so I could get back to my self-destructed behavior.

I am not perfect at all but do try to make sure that when I have caused harm to someone that I change my behavior so it does not happen again.  Did I do better today when my head hits the pillow vs yesterday?

As far as “thank you”, how can you say that too much?  In just my career so far, I have been blessed to work with amazing people who are way smarter than me and made me look great.  I was and am truly grateful for their work and efforts to push the ball forward, whatever that was at the time.

I recently listened to a podcast with the NY Times best selling author A.J. Jacobs that was promoting his latest book, Thanks a Thousand:  A Gratitude Journey.  The book chronicles his journey around the world to personally thank everyone along the supply chain who makes his morning cup of coffee possible.

Whoa.  That really made me think.  Everything I do and touch was made possible by thousands and thousands of people.  Everything.  It has really helped me open my eyes to world in a whole new way.

Last night, I was laying in a hospital bed next to my Dad listening to all the sounds buzzing on his hospital floor at 11p at night.  The doctors, the nurses, the orderlies, the person buffing the floor and on and on.  At first, I was of course annoyed that their inconsiderate actions would wake my father.  How dare they?  Then, thinking about Jacobs book, my whole perception changed.  I realized that there was a whole massive operation of people cranking in the middle of the night to help make sure all the patients on that floor get better.  To be healthy.  To have one more day.

I do not say thank you enough.

To my left, I am looking out to an amazing view of Biscayne Bay bathed in the tropical sun, magnificent brilliant white thunderheads climbing towards the heavens and the occasional  pleasure boat speeding by.   A view that someone would pay millions for if it was a luxury condo.

However, I am sitting in a hospital room on the 5th floor of Mt. Sinai hospital on Miami Beach.

To my right, is Mike. Miami Mike. Iron Mike.  My dad who turns 79 this Sunday 11/11.  God willing.

He started to loose his battle with lung cancer after Labor Day of this year and the decline has been alarmingly fast just over the past two weeks.  We learned the cancer left his lungs and moved into his spine in September.  All the fun complications have been rapidly piling on…blood clots, infections, and pain.  So much pain.  6 months ago, he was still running 6 days a week, taking Sunday off as he has been doing for the past 40+ years.  Just a week and half ago he was no longer able to shuffle around with his walker with us on Lincoln Road mall to get his beloved Starbucks coffee (Tall, two and half sugars and enough half-and-half to make it light) being confined to a wheel chair.

Now he lies next to me, sleeping deeply in a hospital bed, softly snoring.  A sound I am afraid I will not be able to hear much longer.  See, it is all the little things that really start to matter.  The things I would normally see as a nuisance or complain about.  Now they take on a whole new meaning.

The gift is that I made amends to him a long time ago for all the harm I caused while I was out there “finding myself”.  There is a peace between us and we say “I love you” freely.  There has no weight of serious regret.

That is not say that I do not have any would of’s or could of’s.  I wish spent more time with him is of course top of that list.

The man to my left, along with my Mom who awaits for his return in heaven, gave me life twice.  First by bringing me into this world.  Second, by stopping all the enabling, letting me hit bottom and then welcoming me back with unconditional love providing the help I needed.

I pray everyday I can shower Debbie, Jack and Max with that same unconditional love.  I pray I can continue to work on being fully present with them and throughout the day.  Not letting the little things blind me of what is truly important.  Looking for all the beauty in the day as my friend Strauss says.

Life is short as I am reminded looking to my right.

Looking to my left, I am reminded that there is an amazing amount of beauty in each and every moment.  I just have to open my eyes and not waste it.

It was brought to my attention yesterday that something I said 30 years ago made a huge impact on somebody’s life.  Unfortunately, it was not a positive impact.

The comment was when I was 18 years old and what I thought was an innocent passing remark poking fun at my someone.  The person on the other end of my comment however said at the time, it ruined a weekend.  While I was making amends, I was told that it was no big deal and there was no resentment built up knowing it was just two kids being kids.

Even if that is true, the fact that it was brought it up decades later means that it was a memorable event.

Powerful reminder that what I say and how I say it carries a huge a weight, the weight of responsibility to make sure my words always carry love.

And…F*** Cancer.

As the tagline of this blog states, there are times I move forward by first moving backwards.  My goal was (and is) to write something everyday.

Yesterday I woke up with every intention to do just that and went through my morning routine of praying, reading a few daily words of wisdom books, drinking 32 ounces of Himalayan salt and lemon water, stretching to prevent another soul crushing back “issue”, writing in my five minute gratitude journal and meditating.  My new plan is to write something in this journal as part of that routine but yesterday I was up against a self-imposed time dead-line to hit the gym with Debbie.  So I told myself, I would do it later.  That is the problem with later.  It never comes.  So, by slipping backwards, I have been giving another gift from my higher power to keep moving forward.

Another gift was given to me last night.  We lost power.  Again.  There was severe rain and wind gusts of up to 50 MPH in the morning.  Then the sun came out and was beautiful.  Then, six hours later when all has been calm, we lost power.

For me, losing power brings peace as all electronic screens go dark.  For my family?  Pandemonium, anger, and a deep resentment in Debbie rises up and I get hit with:  “Why don’t we have a generator?!!!”.  My boys go into preservation mode on maintaining as much battery life as they can.  God forbid they miss out on the latest Snap Chat, Instagram post, or group text :-).  The Alabama (#1) vs. LSU game (#3) game was also on the TV which was now a blank, cold, dark screen.   They did pull out our new favorite game, “Cards Against Humanity”, but we never got to it mainly because I did not jump into action.  Again, I moved backward and did not take full advantage of the power loss to have a real connected experience with my sons.  My lack of engagement was based in the fact that I had to be up at 415a this morning to make a flight to Miami to help Dad.  But seriously, not taking 15 minutes of my time to play a game with my sons?  I did go through a nice ritual of watching a slack of crazy videos Jack saves to show me.  All on his limited battery life.

Not sure if anyone was really up for the game but thinking it through this morning, I realize I need to move forward on that front as well…and get that generator for Debbie.

P.S.  The power came back on an hour and a half later so I trust my family is waking up with fully charged screens in my happy place.

 

 

Somewhere along the way, I became Pa.  The first iteration of this term of endearment was born when we lived in New Jersey after moving there from Colorado.  A friend of my oldest son (who was probably 6 at the time) called me Gus which quickly converted to Papa Gus to make it sound more official I guess.  It stuck for a good while until it was shortened just to Pa.  So now, there is no better sound to here than Pa from my two sons and my wife.

Bouncing ball is an inside joke with my wife.  My brain goes on wild journeys bouncing from one thought to the next, loosely (and sometimes that is a stretch) connecting various ideas.  After spending a good amount of time dancing around my head, I will state some observation or ask a question which is about 10 steps past where we are in the current conversation.  Debbie will look at me and ask totally confused…”Where did that come from?!”  I will then take her on the bouncing ball path to connect the dots for her which causes a good laugh between us.  I must say, she still has not gotten much better at mind reading.

Speaking of getting better, I continually need to get much better at being fully present and engaged when I am with Debbie and our boys. Time is precious and I am learning that in a deeper way as my Dad has started to loose his battle with lung cancer.  I want to make sure I am soaking up every moment and not lost in the past or the future (where my fear lives).  I want to make sure I am not mindlessly lost on some screen.

There is nothing more important to me than my family and I hope this blog helps me in my journey to keep moving forward and becoming that 1% better every day as James Altucher recommends.

Yesterday, I woke up with crushing fear.  Like most of my fear these days, it was financial.  Fear of being a failure.  Fear of not being able to provide for my family.  Fear of moving into a refrigerator box down under an unnamed bridge.   I have a friend who runs a very successful appliance store so he said he would hook me up with quality Sub-Zero boxes.

Today, I woke up full of hope, joy and gratitude.  A bounce in my step.  Funny thing is that nothing changed on the “outside”.  All the same drivers of fear are there.  I did not win the $1B Mega Millions or find a crisp $20 in a pocket of a pair of pants that I have not worn since last winter (I love when that happens!).

I am grateful that the financial fear is primarily driven by the entrepreneurial kind which is all new for me.  Cash flowing a direct to consumer business by “float” on credit cards is a great way to get in touch with  some primal fears.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have some “stupid tax” as Dave Ramsey says about poor financial decisions to live beyond my means.

It is an inside job.  If I take care of the small things…praying, meditating, serving others, living in the present (that past and future are killers for my mental state!), everything seems to just flow in a beautiful way.

For that, I am grateful.